Unveiling the Secrets: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Hint: Check Your Garden Shed)

Greetings, two-legged biscuit dispensers and would-be magizoologists! It is I, Elrondo Sparklebeard, Supreme Spokeself for the Elf Liberation Front (ELF, not to be confused with the Extremely Lively Ferrets Society—long story, don’t ask) and the newly anointed social media expert for the Inklberies Writing Group. I come to you today, not to liberate your socks (though, fair warning, I might), but to address the burning question on everyone’s lips: “Where, oh where, are all the fantastic beasts hiding?”

First, let’s get one thing straight: if you need a book, a movie, or a suspiciously expensive field guide to find a fantastic beast, you’re simply not looking hard enough. Or, more likely, you’re looking in the wrong place—like the gym, or a tax office. Trust me, no self-respecting unicorn has ever been spotted queuing for a treadmill or filling out a VAT return.

Let’s start with the basics. Fantastic beasts are everywhere. Yes, everywhere. You just need to open your euyeds (that’s elvish for “eyes,” but with more flair) and, ideally, your biscuit tin. You see, magical creatures are drawn to crumbs like writers to procrastination. If you’ve ever wondered why your ginger snaps keep vanishing, it’s not your spouse—it’s a biscuit-loving boggart.

The Usual Suspects:

• Dragons:Forget the misty mountains and deep caves. Dragons are heat-seeking creatures, and these days, they’re most likely curled up behind your boiler, toasting their tails and occasionally singeing your Wi-Fi router. If your internet’s down and there’s a faint smell of burnt toast, you know who to blame.

• Unicorns:You think they’re prancing about in enchanted forests? Please. They’re hiding in plain sight at your local garden centre, disguised as particularly smug-looking Shetland ponies. Pro tip: offer them a sugar cube and a compliment about their mane, and you might just catch a wink.

• Phoenixes:You’ll find them wherever there’s a barbecue gone wrong. If your sausages are suddenly reduced to ash and a suspiciously flamboyant bird is preening nearby, congratulations! You’ve found a phoenix. (Also, maybe order pizza.)

• Goblins:Goblins are the reason your keys are never where you left them. They thrive in clutter and chaos, so if your home looks like a “before” photo on a cleaning show, you’re basically running a goblin B&B.

• Elves:Ah, my kin! We’re everywhere, but especially wherever there’s tea, gossip, and a chance to rearrange your bookshelf by colour, genre, and emotional trauma. If you hear giggling and find your biscuits mysteriously depleted, you’ve had a visit from the Sparklebeard clan.

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Where NOT to Look:

• The gym (see above).

• The tax office (seriously, no magic there).

• Your neighbour’s shed (unless your neighbour is a wizard, in which case, knock first).

How to Attract Fantastic Beasts:

1. Leave out biscuits. Preferably chocolate hobnobs, but we’re not picky.

2. Play a little music—harp, flute, or a Spotify playlist called “Enchanted Bops.”

3. Believe. Or at least pretend to. We love a good audience.

A Word of Warning:If you do spot a fantastic beast, don’t try to selfie with it. Dragons hate flash photography, unicorns are shy, and elves will photobomb you with bunny ears every time.

So, dear humans, the next time you wonder where all the magic has gone, remember: it’s right under your nose (and probably in your biscuit tin). Fantastic beasts are everywhere, and the real secret is knowing how to look—and how to share your snacks.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a unicorn to bribe and a social media feed to flood with cryptic clues. Keep your euyeds open, your biscuits plentiful, and your sense of humour sharp.

Yours in mischief and crumbs,

Elrondo Sparklebeard

Supreme Spokeself, Elf Liberation Front

Chief social media whizz at Inklberies

New post every Saturday and Wednesday at 11.30am (EMT) that's Elf Mean Time (or London time for the humans)

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