Why Every Channel Needs a ‘24-Hour Elf Cam’ This Christmas

Greetings, humans, taller-humans, and mysteriously beige individuals. It is I, Elrondo Sparklebeard, returning to grace your screens with a festive nugget of wisdom. Today I bring you a public service announcement so essential, so culturally transformative, that I’m surprised you haven’t already demanded it in your town halls and supermarkets:

It is time for a 24-Hour Elf Cam.

Yes, you heard correctly. An uninterrupted live broadcast of elf activity—raw, unfiltered, aggressively efficient, and occasionally on fire (emotionally or literally; we work near a lot of flammable ribbon).

Now, I know what some of you are thinking:“But Elrondo, we already have plenty of Christmas television!”

To which I reply:“Yes, but is any of it about me?”

Exactly.

Let’s consider what you currently watch. Entire weekends spent glued to humans baking things. Baking! Flour, ovens, anxious sweating. You will happily watch five consecutive hours of Sandra from Northampton trying to prevent her yule log collapsing into a chocolate-based tragedy, but where—where, I ask—is the airtime for the elite magical labour force propping up your entire festive economy?

Picture it:

Elf Cam Channel 1 – The Wrapping Floor.Watch dozens of elves race to wrap gifts with the speed and precision of caffeinated spiders. Gasp as a novice accidentally uses Santa’s commemorative beard ribbon. Cheer as someone manages to wrap a bicycle in under three seconds. Marvel at the secret we’ve been hiding for centuries: 90% of “gift bags” exist because we got bored.

Elf Cam Channel 2 – The Sleigh Assembly Room.Humans, you do not know chaos until you’ve seen seven elves attempt to build a flat-pack sleigh from instructions clearly written by a troll with personal grievances. There will be shouting. There will be glitter. There will be at least one elf attempting to use kindness as a tool, which never works but is always hilarious.

Elf Cam Channel 3 – The Break Room (Union Headquarters).Watch the Elf Liberation Front (that’s us) planning our annual ‘Gentle But Firm Demands.’ Witness me attempting to explain to Santa why “exposure” does not count as a benefit. Delight as upper management pretends not to hear us despite the fact we are ringing tiny protest bells.

And before you protest—no, this is not an invasion of privacy. Elves love being watched. We savour attention the way humans savour carbohydrates. If anything, we deserve an entire network.

Besides, imagine the merchandising! Limited edition Elf Cam mugs. “I Survived the Sleigh Assembly Stream” T-shirts. A documentary about the documentary. Potentially a musical. (I have already written the opening number.)

But most importantly, a 24-Hour Elf Cam would finally give the world what it needs:a realistic, educational insight into how Christmas actually works—namely through frantic organisation, miraculous time management, and the complete absence of human involvement.

So this year, write to your broadcasters. Demand elf visibility. Ask politely—or don’t, I don’t care—for an Elf Cam channel on your terrestrial or streaming service of choice.

Humanity, it’s time to stop watching baking shows and start watching beings who genuinely achieve the impossible every day.

You’re welcome.

Elrondo out.

By Elrondo Sparklebeard, Supreme Spokeself, Elf Liberation Front, Chief Social Media Whizz at Inklberries, and Unofficial Winner of Best Beard Sparkle 700 Years Running