Biscuits And Bling: Why Elves And Footballers Are More Alike Than You Think

Red Dragon Writer
Mar 15, 2025
3 min read

Let’s be honest: when you think of elves, you probably picture us frolicking in forests, whispering to squirrels, and composing epic poetry about the moon. But let me shatter your illusions like a custard cream under a troll’s backside. The truth? We’re obsessed. Not with gold, not with power, but with biscuits—especially the mighty chocolate hobnob.

Now, before you scoff (preferably not a shortbread), consider this: our biscuit obsession is every bit as intense, irrational, and Instagrammable as a professional footballer’s love affair with fast cars, diamond earrings, and a Hello! magazine wedding. In fact, I’d argue we’re kindred spirits—just with more crumbs and fewer speeding tickets.

The Need for Speed (and Sugar)

Let’s start with the obvious. Footballers and their cars: a love story for the ages. The moment a young striker signs his first contract, a Lamborghini materialises in his driveway, as if summoned by the footballing gods. The roar of the engine, the gleam of the paintwork, the inevitable parking fine—pure poetry.

Now, swap the car for a chocolate hobnob and you’ve got an elf’s dream come true. The thrill of unwrapping a fresh packet, the glint of chocolate in the morning sun, the sugar rush that propels you through a long day of treehouse admin. I’ve seen elves sprint the length of the Great Oak just to get the last hobnob—Usain Bolt would be proud (and possibly a little peckish).

Bling It On

Footballers love their bling. Diamond earrings the size of gobstoppers, watches that could double as small planets, and enough gold chains to anchor a cruise ship. It’s all about status, sparkle, and making sure the cameras catch your “good side” (even if you’re offside).

Elves, on the other hand, have a subtler approach. Our bling is biscuit-based. The elf with the most chocolate hobnobs is the envy of the woodland. Forget rings and necklaces—try a hobnob tiara or a bourbon bracelet. I once attended a midsummer ball where the guest of honour wore a garland of ginger nuts. The squirrels were beside themselves.

The Big Day: Hello! (and Hobnobs)

And then there’s the wedding. Footballers do nothing by halves, especially matrimony. The Hello! magazine spread, the celebrity guest list, the cake that needs scaffolding, and vows delivered with one eye on the camera and the other on the exclusive rights contract.

Elves? We’re not immune to spectacle. Our weddings are legendary—mainly for the biscuit buffet. Chocolate hobnobs, jammy dodgers, custard creams stacked higher than the bridal arch. The first dance? Usually a biscuit-fuelled jig that ends with someone (usually me) face-down in a plate of bourbons. And yes, we’ve had our share of woodland paparazzi—mainly nosy badgers with a taste for scandal (and shortbread).

In Conclusion: Crumbs and Chrome

So, are elves and footballers really so different? Both of us chase our obsessions with wild abandon, whether it’s a turbocharged supercar or a chocolate-dipped oat disc. We both love a bit of bling, a big day out, and being the centre of attention (preferably with a biscuit in hand).

So next time you see a footballer revving his engine or flashing his diamonds, spare a thought for the humble elf, hoarding hobnobs and dreaming of a Hello! magazine cover: “Inside Elrondo’s Biscuit-Fuelled Woodland Wedding—Exclusive Photos!”