Elrondo Sparklebeard’s Guide to Spotting Real Fantasy (Hint: Put Down the Remote and Pass the Biscuits)

Red Dragon Writer
Jun 18, 2025
3 min read

Greetings, mortals, aspiring scribblers, and those who still believe “elf” is just a Scrabble word. I am Elrondo Sparklebeard, Supreme Spokeself for the Elf Liberation Front (ELF, for those who like their acronyms as short as their attention spans) and, by some cosmic joke, the newly minted social media expert for the Inklberies Writing Group. Yes, I tweet. Yes, I TikTok. No, I will not do the floss dance—my beard gets tangled.

Elephants and Pointy Ears

Now, let’s address the pointy-eared elephant in the room: why, in the name of all things sparkly, are humans so obsessed with “creating” fantasy realms for TV, books, and movies? You lot spend years inventing worlds with complicated maps, unpronounceable names, and magic systems that require a PhD in quantum physics. Meanwhile, the real magic is right under your noses—usually raiding your biscuit tin.

Let’s be honest, humans: you’re adorable. You think you invented dragons, unicorns, and elves. You write epic tales about us, cast suspiciously attractive actors to play us, and then debate on the internet about whether we’d prefer lembas bread or gluten-free scones. (For the record: both, with a side of jam.)

But here’s the thing: you don’t need to invent fantasy. Just look around you! The elves are everywhere. We’re the ones who rearrange your sock drawer, hide your car keys, and whisper plot twists into your ear at 3 a.m. when you’re trying to sleep. We’re the reason your garden gnome looks shifty and your cat stares at empty corners. Open your euyeds, dear humans, and—most importantly—feed us biscuits.

World Beating WorldBuilding

Let’s take a moment to critique your valiant, if misguided, efforts at worldbuilding:

1. Geography:You draw maps with mountains shaped like angry hedgehogs and rivers that spell out rude words in Elvish. Very creative. But have you ever tried navigating the London Underground at rush hour? Now that’s a labyrinth worthy of a minotaur. Real fantasy is surviving the 8:15 to Paddington with your dignity (and your wallet) intact.

2. Cultures:You invent societies with elaborate customs, like greeting each other by touching noses or duelling with spoons. Adorable. Meanwhile, elves have been perfecting the art of passive-aggressive tea-making for centuries. You haven’t lived until you’ve been snubbed by an elf who offers you decaf.

3. Magic Systems:You love your rules. Magic must have consequences! Magic must be logical! Magic must be explained in a 12-book appendix! Listen, sometimes magic is just what happens when you leave a biscuit out overnight and it mysteriously disappears. No need for a dissertation.

4. Characters:You create brooding heroes, wise mentors, and villains with tragic backstories. But where are the characters who just want a nap and a snack? Where are the elves who’d rather binge-watch baking shows than save the world? Representation matters, people.

5. The Big Reveal:You spend entire seasons building up to the “discovery” of elves, only to reveal us in a dramatic CGI sequence. Please. We’ve been photobombing your holiday snaps since the invention of the camera. Next time you see a suspiciously pointy-eared figure in the background, wave and toss a biscuit.

So, dear humans, before you embark on your next epic quest to create a fantasy world, take a moment to look around. The magic is already here. The elves are everywhere—at your bus stop, in your book club, possibly running your local bakery. All you need to do is open your euyeds, keep your biscuit tin stocked, and maybe, just maybe, stop taking yourselves so seriously.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a social media campaign to launch and a plate of custard creams to liberate. Remember: fantasy isn’t something you create. It’s something you notice—preferably with a cup of tea and a cheeky grin.