BREXIT: The Real Story (It’s All About Biscuits)

Red Dragon Writer
Jun 14, 2025
3 min read

Greetings, humans, woodland wanderers, and anyone who’s ever wondered why their biscuit tin is mysteriously empty! I am Elrondo Sparklebeard, Supreme Spokeself of the Elf Liberation Front (ELF), and today I’m here to reveal the truth behind one of Britain’s most controversial acronyms: BREXIT.

You may think you know what BREXIT stands for. You may have read about it in newspapers, heard about it on the telly, or even argued about it at family gatherings (our condolences). But I’m here to set the record straight. BREXIT, in its truest, most magical form, stands for:

Biscuits
Required for
Elves’
Xtreme
Invisibility
Tactics

Yes, you read that right. Forget politics, trade deals, and blue passports. The real BREXIT is all about biscuits, and how we elves use them to vanish from sight faster than you can say “custard cream.”

The Biscuit Conspiracy

For centuries, elves have lived among you, unseen and unsung, thanks to our top-secret invisibility tactics. But what you didn’t know is that our powers are fuelled by the humble British biscuit. Digestives, bourbons, Jammie Dodgers—each one is a vital component in the elven arsenal.

Why biscuits, you ask? Simple. Magic requires energy, and nothing powers a spell quite like a well-timed dunk of a chocolate hobnob. Some say it’s the sugar. Others claim it’s the nostalgia. We say: never underestimate the power of a biscuit with a good cuppa.

The Great Biscuit Shortage of 2019

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. Remember the Great Biscuit Shortage of 2019? Factories flooded, shelves empty, panic in the aisles. The official story blamed “supply chain issues.” The truth? Elves. We needed a top-up for our annual Invisibility Games, and, well, things got a bit out of hand. (Sorry, Sainsbury’s.)

Xtreme Invisibility: Not Just for Show-Offs

You might think invisibility is all fun and games—sneaking into cinemas, photobombing royal portraits, rearranging garden gnomes. And yes, we do all of that. But it’s also a matter of survival. How else do you think we avoid being mistaken for garden ornaments or, worse, being recruited for Christmas grottos in July?

Our Xtreme Invisibility Tactics (XIT) are the stuff of legend. The classic “Bourbon Blur,” the “Custard Cream Cloak,” and the highly advanced “Jammie Dodger Disappearing Act” are all powered by biscuits. The more biscuits, the longer we can stay hidden. It’s science. (Well, elven science, which is mostly guesswork and glitter.)

The Human-Elf Biscuit Accord

Now, you may be wondering: what does this mean for you, dear human reader? Simple. Next time you notice your biscuit supply dwindling, don’t blame your flatmate, your children, or the family dog. It’s probably us, popping in for a quick snack and a spot of invisibility practice.

But fear not! We elves are nothing if not fair. For every biscuit we borrow, we leave behind a little magic: a perfectly brewed cup of tea, a sudden burst of inspiration, or, if you’re really lucky, a sock that actually matches its pair.

The Real Reason for BREXIT

So, the next time someone brings up BREXIT at a party, you can confidently say, “Ah yes, Biscuits Required for Elves’ Xtreme Invisibility Tactics. Very important, you know.” Watch as confusion spreads, and then, if you’re feeling generous, offer them a biscuit. (Just not the last one. That’s for us.)

A Plea from the ELF

We at the Elf Liberation Front would like to formally request a seat at the next national biscuit summit. Our demands are simple:

Recognition of the vital role biscuits play in magical affairs.
A guaranteed supply of chocolate digestives for all elves, regardless of region.
An end to the cruel practice of hiding the good biscuits at the back of the cupboard.

In return, we promise to keep our invisibility antics to a minimum (except on Tuesdays—Tuesdays are for pranks).

In Conclusion

BREXIT isn’t about borders or bureaucracy. It’s about biscuits, magic, and the age-old alliance between elves and the British tea break. So, next time you reach for a biscuit, raise it high and think of us—your invisible, pointy-eared friends, keeping the world just a little bit more magical (and a lot more crumbly).