Now Hiring: Chief Biscuit Secretary – The Most Crumbly Job in Elvendom!
- Red Dragon Writer
- May 22, 2025
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 3, 2025
Attention, elves, fae-folk, and biscuit enthusiasts of all magical persuasions! The Elf Liberation Front (ELF) is thrilled to announce a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: we are officially opening applications for the highly coveted, endlessly delicious, and slightly crumbly position of Chief Biscuit Secretary.
Yes, you heard right. After the unfortunate incident with last year’s biscuit monitor (may their crumbs rest in peace—never try to out-eat a troll at tea time), we’re seeking a new hero to take the biscuit tin by the horns (or, more accurately, by the lid) and ensure our headquarters is forever stocked with only the finest confections from Harrods’ exclusive Elf Biscuit Collection.
Job Description: More Than Just a Crumby Role
As Chief Biscuit Secretary, you will be responsible for:
Conducting daily biscuit audits (taste-testing mandatory, calories optional).
Ensuring the biscuit tin is never less than 97% full (emergencies may be declared at 96%).
Negotiating with Harrods’ elusive Biscuit Gnome for priority access to the latest limited-edition elven shortbreads.
Organising the weekly “Biscuit and Banter” sessions (bring your own jokes and your own milk).
Enforcing the sacred “No Soggy Biscuit” rule (violators will be dunked).
You’ll also be expected to keep a close eye on the notorious Biscuit Bandit (we’re looking at you, Sparklebeard Jr.), and to maintain strict biscuit diversity—no more than 40% chocolate, 30% jammy, and 30% mysterious green ones that only Auntie Nettle seems to like.
Perks and Benefits: Crumbs of Comfort
Salary: Competitive, paid entirely in biscuit crumbs (the currency of choice in the elven underworld).
Pension Plan: A bottomless barrel of ginger nuts upon retirement, plus a commemorative golden biscuit tin (engraved with your name and favourite dunking time).
Healthcare: Full coverage for all biscuit-related injuries, including but not limited to: jammy dodger jaw, hobnob hiccups, and shortbread-induced sleepiness.
Annual Leave: 12 days per year, plus all major elven holidays and National Biscuit Day (observed weekly).
Who Should Apply?
We’re looking for someone with:
A minimum of 300 years’ biscuit experience (or equivalent in human years—about 3 months).
A keen nose for quality (and the ability to sniff out a stale custard cream at 50 paces).
A strong sense of justice (especially when it comes to the last biscuit).
The ability to resist the urge to eat the entire tin before the weekly staff meeting (self-control is a plus, but not essential).
Bonus points if you can recite the “Ode to a Digestive” from memory or have ever successfully bartered a bourbon for a favour from the Fairy Queen.
How to Apply
Send your CV (Crumb Vitae) and a cover letter (preferably written in icing) to ELF Headquarters, care of Elrondo Sparklebeard. Shortlisted candidates will be invited to a rigorous taste-test, followed by a practical exam: surviving a tea party with the goblins from accounting.
A Final Word from the Supreme Spokeself
Remember, this isn’t just a job—it’s a calling. The fate of the ELF’s snack time rests in your flour-dusted hands. If you think you have what it takes to keep our biscuit tin brimming and our spirits high, apply today!
And if you’re not applying, at least send biscuits.
Know Your Biscuits: An Insightful Guide
Before you apply, it might help to brush up on your biscuit knowledge. Biscuits are not just delicious; they hold a special place in elven culture. Understanding the unique qualities of each type of biscuit will be crucial in your role.
Shortbreads: These buttery delights are a staple in elven gatherings. Their crumbly texture makes them perfect for dunking.
Digestives: Known for their versatility, digestives can be enjoyed plain or with toppings. A true favorite among elves!
Jammy Dodgers: These fruity biscuits provide a delightful contrast, marrying sweet jam with soft cookies.
Having this knowledge will help you in your daily audits and when organizing events like our “Biscuit and Banter” sessions.
The Importance of Diversity in the Biscuit Tin
Maintaining variety is key. A well-balanced biscuit tin should feature an array of flavors and textures. This not only enhances snack times but also caters to the preferences of all elves. By ensuring our biscuits meet diversity standards, we create an inclusive environment that values every bite.
Join Us in the Joy of Biscuit Appreciation
Whether through gatherings or individual tastes, the appreciation of biscuits brings us together. As Chief Biscuit Secretary, you will play a vital role in celebrating this joy. Your mission isn’t just about biscuits—it's about community, fun, and, of course, magic!
A Last Word of Encouragement
So, are you ready to embark on this delicious adventure? If you have a passion for biscuits and a heart for the elven community, we want to hear from you. Don’t miss out on this tasty opportunity!
Yours in crumbly anticipation,
Elrondo Sparklebeard
Supreme Spokeself, Elf Liberation Front
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