Elrondo Sparklebeard on the Human Obsession with Youth: Why Immortality Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Greetings, wrinkle-fearing mortals, collagen crusaders, and seekers of the ever-elusive Fountain of Youth! It is I, Elrondo Sparklebeard, Supreme Spokeself for the Elf Liberation Front, social media sensation, and the only elf with a skincare routine that involves moonlight, mead, and the occasional mud mask (from the enchanted side of the garden, obviously).

Two celebrities fighting over the philosopher's stone for immortality

Let’s talk about your species’ most baffling obsession: looking young forever. I mean, really, you humans will do anything to dodge a wrinkle. You’ll slather your faces in snail slime, inject your foreheads with enough botulinum toxin to paralyse a troll, and, in extreme cases, surgically hoist your eyebrows so high you look permanently surprised. (I once mistook a woman at a party for a startled owl. Honest mistake.)

Now, before you start pelting me with anti-aging serums, let me say this: I absolutely understand that some forms of plastic surgery are essential and life-changing, especially for those overcoming trauma or injury. Elves are all about healing and transformation—just ask my cousin Twinkletoes, who once got his ears caught in a harp and needed a little magical intervention. But let’s be honest, most of you aren’t fighting trauma; you’re fighting time. And time, my dears, always wins. (Unless you’re an elf, but more on that in a moment.)

And then there’s your collective obsession with immortality. The Philosopher’s Stone, the Holy Grail, the secret serum, the anti-aging app—if it promises eternal youth, you’re queuing up faster than a hobbit at a pie-eating contest. You write books about it, make movies about it, and spend a fortune on creams that promise to “turn back the clock.” (Spoiler: the only thing that turns back the clock is daylight saving time, and even then, it’s just an hour.)

But let me let you in on a little secret, from one who knows: immortality isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Oh, sure, it sounds glamorous—eternal youth, endless parties, never having to buy wrinkle cream again. But let’s take a closer look, shall we?

1. The Eternal Awkward Phase

You know that awkward stage between childhood and adulthood, when your ears are too big and your voice squeaks? Imagine that, but for a century. Elves don’t just “grow out of it”—we “grow through it,” and let me tell you, there are only so many centuries you can spend being mistaken for a teenage wizard before it gets old. (Literally.)

2. The Fashion Fiasco

Humans, you think you’ve made some questionable fashion choices? Try living through the last 500 years. I still have nightmares about the Great Ruffled Collar Debacle of 1623. And don’t get me started on the glitter bell-bottoms of the 1970s. Immortality means never being able to burn the evidence.

3. The Never-Ending To-Do List

You know that feeling when you put off a task because “there’s always tomorrow”? Now imagine you have infinite tomorrows. My shed is full of half-finished projects: enchanted birdhouses, a novel about biscuit heists, and a sourdough starter from 1842. Immortality is the ultimate procrastination enabler.

4. The Birthday Problem

At first, it’s fun—cake, presents, a new pair of socks every year. But after your 300th birthday, the novelty wears off. People stop singing. The candles become a fire hazard. And don’t get me started on the existential dread of receiving yet another “Over the Hill” mug.

5. The Friends and Family Dilemma

Here’s the real kicker: while you’re busy not aging, everyone else is. You make friends, fall in love, and then—poof!—they’re gone, off to the great biscuit tin in the sky. It’s enough to make even the sparkliest elf a little melancholy. (Don’t worry, I cope with extra jammy dodgers.)

So, dear humans, before you go chasing after the next miracle cream or philosopher’s stone, take a moment to appreciate the beauty of a life well-lived, wrinkles and all. Laugh lines are proof you’ve smiled. Crow’s feet mean you’ve squinted at the sun (or at elves up to mischief). And every grey hair is a badge of honour—unless it’s glitter, in which case, you’re welcome.

Immortality? Overrated. Youth? Fleeting. But a life full of laughter, love, and the occasional biscuit heist? Now that’s the real secret to happiness.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a moonbeam facial and a fresh batch of scones.

Remember: sparkle is an attitude, not an age.

Elrondo Sparklebeard, the vibrant Supreme Spokeself of the Elf Liberation Front and social media expert at Inklberies, beams with joy and charisma.

Yours in cheek, charm, and crow’s feet,

Elrondo Sparklebeard

Supreme Spokeself, Elf Liberation Front

Chief social media whizz at Inklberies

New post every Saturday and Wednesday at 11.30am (EMT) that's Elf Mean Time (or London time for the humans)

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